It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i wish my penis had a tongue
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
