Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
