He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
