I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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