im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
