Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
