My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize