first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
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