u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize
