Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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