Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize