So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
