Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I still have a little drunk in my system
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
