If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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