remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
