i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
