I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
