i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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