The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
