i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
