i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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