she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
someone owes me an orgasm
i just sent this text using only my big toe
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
