I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
