Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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