I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
