My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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