i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
