He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
