I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
