Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
