If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
