saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Randomize
