pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
