Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
