eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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