Do you still have your period?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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