im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
