There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
