Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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