She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
