your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
