Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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