what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
