i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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