so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
