sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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