there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
