you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
