cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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