my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Randomize
