I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize