apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
