I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize