a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Someone came in the potted fern
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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