I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
