How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
