it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
