Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
