im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
