There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
