last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
My ATM looks so different sober.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
