Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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