He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
