Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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