so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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