i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
He better not be in your backpack
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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